Big Brother is back! Yeah! But the world cup is on, so almost noone cares. Our brave housemates will now face what will feel like 700 years locked up in a house, which, this year, appears to have been designed by Brian Bolland for a sequel to The Killing Joke. Get ready for everyone to tell us what an amazing experience they've had, despite the fact all they've done for the past 3 months is sat around a house and drank tea. An experience you can have around your Nan's house, only with the added bonus of countdown. Still, without further ado, let us take a look at the 14 people who we will casually acquaint ourselves with when there's nothing better on telly:
Josie: A loud, brash, Bristolian gal; she will gain much popularity purely because of her accent, causing much crowing on internet forums about how “real” she is. Later on in the series Stockholm Syndrome will take full grip and she will pursue an illicit affair with the diary room chair. Possibly.
Steve: Bookies favourite, as he is an ex-soldier who has lost both his legs and one eye. Steve will sail through to the final three despite doing nothing all series, before being patronised live on eviction night by Davina McCall who will tell us all how brave he's been. He had his leg's blown off by a BOMB Davina! I'm sure this pales in comparison! Actually scratch that until you've met the rest of the housemates.
Ben: A writer/broadcaster who doesn't appear to have actually done any writing or broadcasting, which will stand him in good stead for his post Big Brother career. Ben is a chippy posh lad; the kind of which we stopped producing around 1974. Ben has quite a good vocabulary, so bet on him to be evicted by about week 4, as people are suspicious of this sort of thing.
Rachael: A confident and good looking Beyonce impersonator. Which, these days, is enough to qualify you for celebrity Big Brother, surely? As she was no doubt bumped to fit in another Z-list celeb that shagged Jordan, this will have to do for poor Rachael. Rachael is very pretty and of mixed race. She will be evicted almost immediately, which is a shame, as she has a gorgeous figure, and pictures of her arse are destined to appear plastered all over the Daily Mail while they moan about Big Brother being voyeuristic.
Nathan: Speaking of arses. Bez continues his post CBB experience with a stint in the regular Big Brother house. Nathan is tall and Northen, and the sort of fellow Will Mellor will go on Big Brother's Little Brother and tell us he'd like to go for a pint with, until he freaks out and attempts take control of the whole house hold using only a spoon.
Dave: Straight from graduating Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Dave “The Weirdo”, is our next contestant. Depressingly Welsh, Dave's unsettling joviality and Catholic views will alienate him from all the other housemates quick to show how progressive and easy going they are.
Caoimhe: The mythical white member of Kid n' Play has, apparently, been living in Ireland masquerading as a model. Caoimhe has achieved the unlikely feat of being incredibly beautiful and incredibly ugly at the same time, which is an arresting combination. Seemingly pleasant, she will avoid nominations for ages as the other housemates will be unsure of how to pronounce her name.
Govan: A sprightly, could be gay, voluntary worker, who has entered the Big Brother house to find himself. Which, if Steve wasn't around, would mean guaranteed winner. Expect Govan to be this years contest to go the biggest 'journey', about which we will be reminded everytime he appears on screen. In the Australian outback, Aboriginies will undergo a journey during adolescence and live in the wilderness for six months, tracing the paths of their ceremonial ancestors. Govan will cop off with a transvestite and flash his privates to the nation. Maybe, we're not so different after all.
Shabby: A former child actor and art student. Shabby dresses like a lesbian Noel Fielding genetically spliced with a bin. Shabby is a squatter who, along with her art collective “The Oubliette”, promote emerging artists through the re utilisation of empty space. Or, to put it another way, they are a bunch of work shy tossers squatting. I always wondered what the collective noun for “cunts” was; and now I know: The Oubliette. Don't say Big Brother doesn't teach you anything.
Ife: A professional dancer who lives with her adoptive parents and fiancee. Ife is not religious but believes in God and prays to him in her own way. Expect this to be indulged by all the other housemates, who will also row vociferously with Dave as soon as he shows any concession to his religion. Ife is also bald, a quirk that will, no doubt, be the most interesting thing about her.
John James: A 24 year old Australian who is a retired vehicle body builder. That sentence makes no sense to me either, but it does make me hate him. As a young man he changed his name to Achillies or chills to his mates. He had change it back though, as they, presumably, kept pronouncing it “dick”. John's dream is to have daring people and hot girls in the house, I think he may have confused Big Brother with Charlie's Angels..
Sunshine: A posh young lady who's clueless demeanour belies her moniker. She, frighteningly, claims to be a medical student, but also believes her car is powered by fairy dust. She has gone on Big Brother to prove that beauty and brains do mix. It's a well known fact that beauty and brains do mix as there are millions of beautiful, intelligent woman in the world. Most of them don't, however, apply for Big Brother. Something Sunshine should think about.
Corin: Our second lookalike of the evening sees Corin, as a Jordan look alike from 10 years in the future. Corin is exactly the sort of person you expect has auditioned for every Big Brother series ever. According to her Big Brother Bio she “is always tanned, dyes her beauty spots and uses hair pieces.” It would annoy her if there were better looking girls in the house, but surely, as she's hidden underneath all that, how would we know? Also claims to dislike posh, arrogant people who 'turn their noses up at others' which you can take to read as: dislikes posh people.
Mario: Unfortunately, not the really rather brilliant lunatic that brightened up Big Brother 9. But a person who, this time, is actually called Mario. Mario was chosen randomly by Big Brother and had to enter the house on a secret mission dressed as a mole. A fact not lost on Sunshine, who showed her intelligence by spotting this almost straight away.
So there you are. All 14 housemates for the final ever series of Big Brother ever, until it gets remade on Channel 5. I forgive you if you feel you've seen them all before, because with the raft of reality shows on TV over the last decade, you probably have actually seen them all before. I will be watching, but I long ago lost the will to better myself. I'll see you at the Rapture, I doubt I'll get in.
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