It's almost time for the summer blockbuster season, and we all know what that means: skin cancer, gratuitous lady bumps and shitty barbecues. But, more importantly, lots and lots of sub-par action movies! Yay. We can all forget about the recession, global warming and Britain's continued decline into nation of call-centres, and enjoy some popcorn- life is good. However, on discovering that you can now purchase alcohol in Vue cinemas (I'm assuming this was made a prerequisite after the last Ricky Gervais film) I've decided to help make your cinema going experience much more enjoyable. You can forget surround sound and Imax, this is the true revolution of the interactive cinema going experience- The movie cliché drinking game! Yes, as our cinema screens fill with frame after frame of tried, rehashed movie ideas, lame, uninspiring dialogue and hundreds of generic plot twists (usually starring Mark Wahlberg and directed by M Night Shymalan- I still haven't forgiven them for The Happening.) we can all sit back and make their predictable antics that much easier to take: by plying ourselves with alcohol. So sit back, line up some shots and get ready to get buzzed; in, what I'm calling, Jar Wars.
1.Cool guys don't look at explosions: The ultimate in cinema cliché. The mack daddy of them all, and something we all only realised thanks to Andy Samberg, but pretended we knew about it anyway. In the summer of dire blockbusters there will inevitably be at least one film were our hard ass hero – who no doubt has a heart of gold underneath that gruff exterior- walks calmly away from the 12 pounds of TNT he has detonated, that sends a building to it's knees, and, even though the seismic force of the explosion is able to shatter windows all around our wannabe John McClaine, his hair isn't even ruffled. Take that physics. Take one drink this happens, two if it happens to be a former wrestler doing the walking away.
2.Nobody calls me chicken: Yes, it's the ultimate in cool guy trash talk. When words aren't getting the job done, simply revert to the go-to cool guy fighting manoeuvre: The walk away sightly, turn around and punch! The scene usually begins with our grizzled hero trying to suppress his unstoppable rage during a slanging match with some unscrupulous bastard. Then, just as our boy tries to be the bigger man by walking away, the aforementioned bastard says something to push him over the edge, something like “Oh yeah, I heard your mum smells of eggy farts” (I'm paraphrasing, of course) causing our would be Steve McQueen to stop in his tracks turn around and sock the sucker into next week! It wasn't cool when Michael J Fox did it in Back to the future part2, so it certainly isn't cool now. Another drink if this cliché occurs, make it two if the hero retorts with a line of snappy dialogue.
3.I'm too old for this shit: A popular movie cliché that, although uttered numerous times by the character portrayed on-screen, is never used by the actors who play them when offered the role. And, rather than settling into their Autumnal years with a range of self parodying roles, before accepting old age gracefully and winning an Oscar on the back of a low budget film where they spend most of the film staring blankly to the camera, they, instead, don a fedora and whip and piss all over our childhood memories. Interestingly, although our ageing Robert Redford will utter this phrase about chasing criminals, operating stakeouts or detailed police investigation (basically anything that involves paperwork) never once have they uttered the phrase when presented with the chance to hop into bed with the nubile 22 year old model, who is inexplicably cast as their love interest. Drink one drink every time an over 50's action hero uses this phrase. If in the unlikely event they do refuse casual sex with co-star young enough to be their granddaughter, you have my permission to use hard drugs, but only once.
4.The black dude dies first: Actually no, he doesn't. Unless you're watching Amistad, or a documentary set anywhere, any time before the 21st century, which says more about our collective failure as the dominant species of the planet than about our horror films. In purely horror movie terms, however, then no, the black dude doesn't die first. This non- cliché only came to prominence after it was mentioned in Scream when, ironically, this very line of dialogue became cliché, after it was then repeated to nauseating effect in every teen movie ever made. In horror movies the first person to die was almost ubiquitously a slutty teenage girl. In fact the only Friday the 13th movies where a black character is the first to die is Jason goes to Hell:The final Friday when Jason possesses Phil the coroner. And as nobody wants to remember Jason goes to Hell, we can rule this one out. Drink one drink every time you hear this line. Two drinks if the actor playing the character is a would-be stand up comedian. Three drinks if the movie was made pre-2003 and you've heard nor seen from the stand up comedian since.
5.Alan Rickman: Just Alan Rickman. In everything. Drink steadily for the entire length of time he appears on screen.
6.Don't tell me how to raise my kids: If earth is ever threatened by impending doom, be it an Alien Invasion, some kind of thermo-nuclear disaster or a Godzillaesque monster, then you had better hope that you're not a divorced dad of two looking after his kids for the weekend, as, for some reason, the onus to save all humanity will fall on you. Despite the fact there will be thousands of people caught up in the impending apocalypse, both more interesting and dynamic, the film will inevitably follow the story of some drippy, washed-up fathers for justice reject, just trying to understand his kids better. The fact that all of humanity has to be almost wiped out for him to do so is a damming indictment on his abilities as a Father, and is a point lost on Steven Speilberg. To be honest, they'd be better off with the all American step dad we're introduced to at the beginning of the film, and encouraged to hate on no stronger recommendation than his cheekbones. If there does happen to be children involved in a shameless attempt to make you care for the characters in a way the writing can't, then take one drink for each child and an additional drink if they have a lisp or some other quirk.
7.My kids are in there: Sticking to the theme of kids for the time being, then I'd like to draw your attention to another of their annoying idiosyncrasies. At some point in the film(usually when fleeing from the aforementioned Alien/Storm/Monster) The child will drop some sort of toy or heirloom and go back to collect it, cheerfully ignoring the threat at hand, despite the fact they've spent the previous hour screaming in abject terror at whatever happens to be chasing them. Thus leaving Tom Cruise to pull his best I'm not mental I'm a caring dad face, and run back to save them even though he will throw the whole rescue operation into danger. I say, fuck them, let them get eaten. They've let themselves down and they've let you down. Plus, they'll only hamper our attempts to later repopulate the earth by passing on the stupid gene into our DNA anyway, so you might as well let them get eaten. Drink one drink for each child that this happens to. If they do happen to taken by the monster/caught in an avalanche/abducted then please allow yourself another, celebratory, drink.
8.Eureaka!: Just as all looks finished, when all hope is extinguished and humanity is gearing itself up for an age where we harvested as mere batteries for our new robo-alien overlords, salvation strikes! Our hero is able to gain divine inspiration from a seemingly useless non-sequitur: a woman sneezing, a man spilling coke over himself, a dog shitting a table leg in a field of cheese (okay, I might have made that one up). Our chiselled Jeff Goldblum is then able to relate this curious act of innocuousness back to the previously unsolvable equation that had flummoxed the greatest minds, algorithms and computer systems that NASA could provide, presumably because no one working there ever GOES OUTSIDE. Drink one drink for the act of inspiration itself, and further drinks for just how implausible/tenuous the link back to the plot actually is.
9.God bless you, Mr President: In the vast majority of Hollywood made, ILM powered super movies, the president is king. The American president is often depicted as a super cool, suave, possibly African American, buff shagmeister. The rest of the world's leaders are portrayed as hapless, naval gazing morons who spend much of their time picking their bums with a spoon. This is clearly unrepresentative of real life, erm.. Anyhow, as the film progresses it becomes inevitable that the only way the world can save itself is if the president strips down to his misleadingly buff torso and fight whatever alien/robot/tornado happens to be at hand, all by himself. Possibly with his cock. This leads to a fist biting epilogue in which America and it's values is agreed as the definitive law of all time and space and I, with a spectacular disregard for anatomy, vomit my brain out of my arse. Drink constantly until you are sick. It will only hasten the inevitable death of your brain cells anyway, and alcohol abuse is a far humane way to go about it.
10.I'll deal with my problems in my own way: If we happen to be watching a sequel, or a particularly gritty Steven Segal film, then it's entirely possible that our grizzled anti-anti-hero will be deep in the throws of addiction, usually heroin, or alcohol. However, rather than sleeping in pools of his own watery shit under a bridge while offering blow jobs to compensating middle-aged business men in desperate effort to get his next fix, our hero simply dresses a bit grungy and grows a cool beard. This is a usually a ham fisted attempt at symbolising a deep inner turmoil such as the death of their daughter, or that one time at band camp. What you never see is a would be Will Smith, hopelessly in the throes of an internet porn addiction, who, just as he is needed to hack in to the pentagon, has logged on to red tube and is thrashing away to two girls one cup, at exactly the same time the Russian's bomb detonates, all the while screaming "It's ok, windows 7 and protected browsing was my idea." I don't know the plot to independence Day 2, but that's out there now. Whatever addiction plagues our hero I suggest you follow suit, as a full blown addiction will probably make the loss of the next 120 minutes of your life slightly easier to bear, and will be a good talking point when you appear on Jeremy Kyle.
So there you go, I do have explain that this is merely a suggestion and if anyone is injured following these rules (either through alcohol consumption, or the sheer mind-numbing inanity of the films themselves) I can in no way be held accountable. However, I do bid you adieu, as I go forth, drink in hand, to watch Russell Crowe mumble his way through Robin Hood. Happy Watchin'!
No comments:
Post a Comment