Half Term Blues.

Half Term Blues.
If you live in Britain then sometime this month you may have experienced the unsettling natural phenomenon known as half term, where the bleak pessimism of Britain's future generation is no longer something you read in the newspaper but something you bump in to on the street- chewing in your face, trying to bum a fag, and speaking in an indecipherable pseudo-text dialect known as slang. These unfortunate beings lurch towards you, looking like a particularly gruesome extra from Dawn of the Dead, asking if you can buy them a bottle of white lightning. It's worrying to think that they were once the apples of their mothers’ eyes. In hindsight, these particular apples were the type that were rotten in the middle and had hundreds of wasps hidden inside them. I have nothing against teenagers, I was one myself recently, but it just seems that this generation of teenagers has no level of self awareness- It now appears that being a bit emo and gothy is quite cool, which is terrible oversight that never should have been allowed, but I digress, what I’m trying to tell you is that I saw an advert recently that stated traffic was the single biggest killer of 12 - 16 year olds in Britain, but as half term has proved, there are still loads of them. Clearly, we need a more effective method. Rather than write them off completely though, I decided to help them by thinking up the following ways to improve their impact on society:

1. Fit all lonsdale or reebok trainers with computer chips that make them jog at least six miles a day.

2. Get all teenagers to select their favourite cast member from skins, all of those who pick Tony will be shot, survival of the fittest and what not.

3. Ban them from watching Hollyoaks - it's completely unrealistic and raises their expectations of the type of bird they are likely to pull to inordinate levels; also, it's meant to be a drama about teenagers yet at no point are any of them at home wanking over Hollyoaks, which is terribly unrealistic.

4. Ban text speech. Text messaging has had the most adverse effect on the way trendy types speak since snoop doggy dog.

5. Make all streets and towns completely spherical; if we no longer have street corners there will be no where for them to form gangs and harass pensioners for their pensions.

I'll start at the beginning.....

.......Because it's silly to start elsewhere, unless your Quentin Tarrintino, then it's o.k, in a nebbish, post-cool kind of way. I was watching t.v the other day (yes kids it does still exist - you should try watching it sometime, it provides regularly scheduled programming that's beamed, legally, into your living room, not streamed off some dogy Irannian website with all manner of bizarre subtitles and links, all stuffed onto screen so small you need glasses the size of Joe 90's just to make out exactly whose nipple david walliams is licking) and discovered that the planet is fucked, unless we do something about the O-zone layer, or something. So in an effort to ease congestion and reduce traffic, I am riding the information superhighway on a bandwagon- and starting a web blog! In my blog I'll be doing the same thing that every other webblog in the known universe does, namely, boring your tits off with pointless diatribes about my life, all the while contributing to the ongoing decimation of written english, and making the odd witty comment that I think is so clever it drove me to starting a web blog in the first place, So if you're still reading this - enjoy.