Britains got the pop factor! Or AIDS, it's one or the other.

I don't like modern Britain. I don't like where we, as a nation, are headed. I don't like how all our best young people are crack addicts, and I don't like how all our best crack addicts are Amy Winehouse. What I really don't like is where the music scene is heading and I think everything thats wrong with it can be summed up in two words - The Kooks. I have to confess that when they first came around I quite liked them, I liked that song "Naive" I thought it was quite inoffensive and catchy, even though it was sung in a strained gurning vocal style with an accent that can only be described as Jawthern. I hummed along and thought to myself: "They seem like pleasent young men, I bet they're a bit of fun." Then I saw this:



Maybe they just caught them on a bad day, I thought, but low and behold a few years later- on the same program!- I saw this:



Now, in the above clip the impossible seems to have happend and Alex Zane is in a room with at least four people and is only the third biggest twat there. The two kooks sit there looking like stage school pete dohertys mumbling their way through the interview in their customary humourless style. After watching these clips it slowly dawned on me that Luke Pritchard is a tosspocket of mammoth proportions. Intrigued, I hunted down their album to see if their sparkling personalities translated to their music and lo and behold it was a huge shitcake. The moral of the story- music should not be made by jumped up stage school eductaed little bellends with no sense of their own ridiculousness.

God is a fan of misanthropic T.V critics-proof!

Charlie Brooker is a televisual prophet- I think we can all agree on that. I am in no doubt when machines form a cohesive A.I. and wage war on humans, and they will, that Charlie Brooker will be our leader in the fight against them. Him or Derren Brown anyway. But before then I think everyone should just enjoy the brilliance of the below clip. There's something amazingly subversive of how Charlie's Top Ten Cocks in Advertising appears at just the right time. It's almost as if god himself had a hand in it. That, or the producer thought the presenter was a dick. Either way, it's genius.

Dan in Real Life, is really boring.

I saw Dan in real life on DVD the other day and it astounded me, I would never have guessed how tolerant I was against boredom until I saw this film. It's not a brilliant appraisal when, because the remote control is out of reach, you consider blinding yourself rather than watch the last half an hour of a movie. I decided not to though. I felt that, in hindsight, I would have regretted the permanent loss of my sight no matter how much relief in gave me in the short term, sort of like having a really dangerous asphysixiation wank: no matter how much you may want it, it's best not to go down that road. The film stars Steve Carrell as Dan Burns, doing a passable impression of Charlie Brown, and Dane Cook, surprisingly believable as a human being(which is no mean feat) The film is a fairly contrived play where Dan falls for Mitch's (Cook) girlfriend, Marie, while the Burns family is on a vacation at their parent's beach house. The Burns family is weird. They appear to enjoy each others company and seem to fill their vacations with games and odd group aerobic sessions, when really they should fill them with bitterness, recrimination and drinking like the rest of us. After Dan falls for Marie, nothing happens. Literally. I actually paused the film by mistake and it took me ten minutes before I even noticed. The film is understated to the point where, as opposed to underplaying their roles, the cast just look bored, as if in between takes they were forced to watch rough edits of the finished film. The acting is o.k. and I didn't hate Dane Cook until I remembered he was Dane Cook, which took almost ten minutes, which is a triumph of sorts. It's obvious the film makers wanted to recreate a low key European vibe throughout the film and credit to them for resisting a more over the top approach that countless other American films(meet the parents) would have taken, a move which is especially difficult when you have Dane Cook in the film. It just feels they went too far the other way and, in trying to maintain an understated tone, they sapped the film, and characters, of any life or interest they may have had. It's not helped by a grating Sondre Lerche soundtrack and an interminably slow pace. So while it's not terrible, and it's intentions are good, it's just really, really, dull. Dan in real life? Dud in real life more like.

What they need is a bloody good war.

Kids today eh? They're rubbish aren't they? Well, yes quite frankly. When they're not listening to rap music and stabbing each other, they are trying to avoid working for a living by auditioning for numerous crap reality t.v. shows. What happened to the good old days? You remember Why Don't You and other such diamonds of the T.V schedule? Well I do too; what's missing? I'll tell you - role models. There aren't any any more, that's why we need this man back. Below are some of his numerous pearls of wisdom, with which to live your life. He's a bit like moses, but much, much more awesome - so when world peace is declared after everyone follows this advice, me and my friend Adam will accept your thanks graciously, as it's wrong to be smug.



I think we can all agree the advice given by Rammy is not only the best advice ever given to children, but a lesson we can all take something from as well.