Why don't you? I'm saving kids TV - for us all!

Ola! Do you know what this blog needs? Pictures of Shakira naked? Yes, we all need that. But, despite sending her numerous handwritten letters, samples of my own blood, and pictures of my toes with her name written on them in jam, they are still forthcoming. However while we all wait for the lady who is surely the image in which god created eve to let us glimpse her Eden, we will have to content ourselves with this:



How did they get away with that? That's brilliant and it's real, unlike that rainbow parody that litters the net and the urban myth that Captain Pugwash actually had characters called Master Bates, and Roger the Cabin Boy. I think all Children's TV shows should go in this direction and include all manner of smutty innuendo to help keep parents, and early developers, rich in chuckles. It's not a bad thing as 1.)It's Prince not Michael Jackson, so it could have been worse. 2.) The joke goes over the Children's heads anyway, I saw every episode of Animaniacs and didn't twig, and I love smut. And finally 3.) It's funny. The unexpected joke is always funny. Which is why, no matter how high brow you are, you will, at some point in your life, have found a fart hilarious. It's genetic. I propose a quota: A mandatory three innuendos per episode, then parents will have reason not to tear their eyes out while trying to comprehend In the Night Garden (which, by the way, is awesome.) and kids will have something to look back on when they're 20 somethings; using whatever frightening mind powered medium we will have evolved to and say “How on earth did they get away with that?” It's fun to do, I enjoyed the clip above, and so did you. Why deny them that pleasure? We're fucking everything else up for them we could at least give them this. They can't look back on the Teletubbies and say “how did they get away with that?” because the inevitable response would be “because it's shit, it doesn't make sense, the purple one is offensive to gays and the baby in the sun is just creepy.” So for the sake of our kids, let them partake – Let's give them smut!

The future is now!!

It's 2010 at last! this is good for a number of reasons: first, we no longer have to stomach pissed up ladies on their hen night screaming "It's the noughties! Wooo!" like it's some hellish Orwellian nightmare decade, where everyone is forced into self-conciously wacky fun, due simply to an unfortunate homophone, before downing sambuca and crying. Second, Back To The future part 2 was set in 2015, so we can expect hover boots in the next 5 years (as everyone knows Back to The Future was a series of documentaries) and third, due to the twenty year gap needed for kitsch appeal (the 70's in the 90's, the 80's last decade) the 90's will become fashionable again towards the end of the decade, which means my knowledge of Oasis and Men Behaving Badly and collection of worn out linen shirts will garner me some retro cool. Excellent. So to celebrate the oncoming seismic change in taste and fashion, ITV have decided to take us back to the 70's through it's bizzarely out of place new game show- "Take Me Out." A spectacularly dated piece of Saturday night fluffutainment where single men have to prove themselves to a panel of what appears to be 300 or so women, before being rejected purely for their looks. The show is hosted by Ginsters spokesman and professional friend of Peter Kay's, Patrick "Paddy" Macguiness whose complete lack of charm is depressingly apt. The show is brazenly sexist in a way television only dares to be towards men, and will no doubt be dismissed as just a laugh in the shows numerous press releases, but the whole thing feels oddly flat, and no amount of staged whooping and northen accents can inject any life into proceedings. The show, I feel, is supposed to resemble a kind of hen night, where random men will have a bit of dance, while the girls merrily laugh their heads off. However, the flat tone, vacant stares of the contestants, and Macguiness's turn as a savoury Willy Wonka, mean the whole thing more closely resembles a kind of televised brothel- where, instead of men paying for prostitutes, the whores simply choose the most pathetic specimen of masculinity they are presented with, before taking them backstage to humiliate them and laugh at their genitals. They might as well just go the whole hog and replace the women with snipers who simply shoot the men they don't like, at least that would put them out of their misery quicker and might actually be more fun. It's the way TV is going anyway. Roll on 2020, I'm sick of this decade already.