Following the news that Liverpool have signed Robbie Keane to partner Fernando Torres for what no doubt will be an electrifying start to the season; seeing Liverpool hammer Stoke or someone 6 - 0 and proclaiming Torres and Keane the greatest partnership since God met Moses, then inevitably tapering off around Christmas time when everyone gets injured before finishing 4th and bemoaning the lack of funds that meant they couldn't compete with Manchester Utd, Chelsea, and erm, Arsenal, I found some interesting facts about Mr Keane from the Liverpool website, the most interesting being:
According to his page on Bebo.com Robbie loves listening to music and picks out Blink 182, Robbie Williams, Ronan Keating and Eminem as some of his favourite artists.
and
When he's not leading the line on the football pitch Keane likes to relax with a good film and picks out Braveheart, The Shawshank Redemption, Shrek, Saw 2 and Liar Liar as some of his favourites.
Of course I use the term interesting tenuously as, much like Mr Keane himself, these facts are not remotely interesting, but they do bring up one salient point: outside of football, footballers are no good at anything. Given the freedom to choose from all the music artists in the history of music he chose Ronan Keating, having Ronan Keating as your favourite at anything is like having a favourite type of door handle or a fondness for a cardboard box- he is teeth gindingly bad, he is, simply put, the musical equivelant of Alan Titchmarsch. But lets not stop there, Mr Keane's choice of films is equally as mundane, the shawshank redemption aside he has chosen Braveheart - which has and always will be shit, Saw 2 - which isn't even the best film in the Saw franchise, let alone anything else and Liar Liar. Liar Liar! Quite how a bog standard Jim Carey comedy in which even Jim Carey looks bored can be any ones favourite film is, quite frankly, baffling. One can only assume he finds the premise of someone being forced to tell the truth as incredulous as, for a footballer, that would be impossible ("you're right your honour I can only describe our relationship as statutory rape.") It is obvious that outside football footballer's are simply incapable of operating in a normal capacity, from Rio Ferdinand's continued and indelible belief that he is the saviour of hip hop to Joey Barton's indescribable hatred for anything other than himself, it is apparant that footballers cannot operate anywhere other than on a football pitch. Which is why, after they retire, rather than watching them set up hundreds of record labels or become pundits and demonstrate of breathtaking lack of understanding on a game they have just spent the best part of three decades playing or believing themselves to be the second comming of christ and the first comming of Bono, we should just shoot them, you know, they shoot horses don't they and I like horses, it doesn't seem fair. It worked in Logans Run it can work for us, it's the 21st century- the future is now people!
