I've been thinking lately about what sort of content I should have in my blog, as at the moment its merely a hotchpot of drunk ramblings and delirious conspiracy theories. I was thinking there should be some kind of theme or I could use the power of the internet to help right personal injustices, use my corner of cyberspace to, in some small way, help defeat age old prejudices and inequalities. I could use this blog to offer a message of peace and understanding and that, hopefully, others will read it and join in on my quest and realize that we as human beings are a shared consciousness and that the internet is the embodiment of that and, by utilizing its full potential we can grow as a species; cast aside of notions of identity that have caused countless wars and atrocities and move forward into a higher state of being. Then I thought fuck it, I wanna talk about films.
I saw the happening the other day and it is hands down the worst film I have seen in years, it's actually the worst film I've seen since Dreamcatcher(Although that still remains the worst film I have ever seen, it's so monumental in it's shiteness that it should be preserved and held in museums so future generations can compare it to other failures such as the Titanic when thinking about the follys of man) Everything about the film is wrong, it's poorly acted, poorly written and left me feeling quite poorly. The basic plot is that flowers are turning against humans due to our constant growth and economic development and as we are encroaching upon them they are releasing a chemical into the air that makes us kill ourselves. It's a bit like day of the triffids but shit. And stupid. M Night Shymalan's films have got progressively worse, and while I thought he could never, ever top the big steaming pile of cackhandidness that was the village, he has managed it. If he keeps going at his current rate in another three or four years he will create a film of such truly magnificent awfulness, so terribly, unfathomably bad that we as a human race will stop. Then the plants really will take over as Mr Shymalan would have managed to turn everyone who watched it into a vegetable. Which would be fitting as its a twist ending so contrived and stupid, it's worthy of one of his films.
Thursday, 26 June 2008
Knocking off a crafty one.
I was asked yesterday why my blog never updated, and it got me thinking. Yes, I am lazy and, yes, I'm not terribly interesting, but that's not it, not it at all. The reason my blog is hardly updated is because of an abusive father; the father abuses us all- time. I'm not aging in a horrifically rapid sense like Robin Williams in Jack, or, indeed, Amy Winehouse in real life, I just simply dont have the time becuase of work. I work 8 hours a day and when I get home I simply can't be arsed, not becuase my job is particularly hard or fulfilling, but because I've wiled away my hours indulging in one natures great pleasures- the solo high five. Knocking one out at work is great! Not least becuase it fills in five or so minutes of your day but becuase you are literally spunking over the man. You feel like a rebel, like your jizz is a white hot blast of defiance right over the hand that feeds. Try it. The other day I even managed to knock out a mind boggling and hand numbing three hand shandies before lunch, causing my boss to enquire whether I was feeling okay- little did he know I was literally spanking away the company doller all over imagined trysts with Cheryl Tweedy( not cole) and Kelly Brook, the spunk nuggett. So there, I suggest trying knocking one out at work, Steve McQueen would do it if he was you. I would go on, but I'm sure you can appreciate it's difficult typing with one hand.
Thursday, 14 February 2008
Half Term Blues.
Half Term Blues.
If you live in Britain then sometime this month you may have experienced the unsettling natural phenomenon known as half term, where the bleak pessimism of Britain's future generation is no longer something you read in the newspaper but something you bump in to on the street- chewing in your face, trying to bum a fag, and speaking in an indecipherable pseudo-text dialect known as slang. These unfortunate beings lurch towards you, looking like a particularly gruesome extra from Dawn of the Dead, asking if you can buy them a bottle of white lightning. It's worrying to think that they were once the apples of their mothers’ eyes. In hindsight, these particular apples were the type that were rotten in the middle and had hundreds of wasps hidden inside them. I have nothing against teenagers, I was one myself recently, but it just seems that this generation of teenagers has no level of self awareness- It now appears that being a bit emo and gothy is quite cool, which is terrible oversight that never should have been allowed, but I digress, what I’m trying to tell you is that I saw an advert recently that stated traffic was the single biggest killer of 12 - 16 year olds in Britain, but as half term has proved, there are still loads of them. Clearly, we need a more effective method. Rather than write them off completely though, I decided to help them by thinking up the following ways to improve their impact on society:
1. Fit all lonsdale or reebok trainers with computer chips that make them jog at least six miles a day.
2. Get all teenagers to select their favourite cast member from skins, all of those who pick Tony will be shot, survival of the fittest and what not.
3. Ban them from watching Hollyoaks - it's completely unrealistic and raises their expectations of the type of bird they are likely to pull to inordinate levels; also, it's meant to be a drama about teenagers yet at no point are any of them at home wanking over Hollyoaks, which is terribly unrealistic.
4. Ban text speech. Text messaging has had the most adverse effect on the way trendy types speak since snoop doggy dog.
5. Make all streets and towns completely spherical; if we no longer have street corners there will be no where for them to form gangs and harass pensioners for their pensions.
If you live in Britain then sometime this month you may have experienced the unsettling natural phenomenon known as half term, where the bleak pessimism of Britain's future generation is no longer something you read in the newspaper but something you bump in to on the street- chewing in your face, trying to bum a fag, and speaking in an indecipherable pseudo-text dialect known as slang. These unfortunate beings lurch towards you, looking like a particularly gruesome extra from Dawn of the Dead, asking if you can buy them a bottle of white lightning. It's worrying to think that they were once the apples of their mothers’ eyes. In hindsight, these particular apples were the type that were rotten in the middle and had hundreds of wasps hidden inside them. I have nothing against teenagers, I was one myself recently, but it just seems that this generation of teenagers has no level of self awareness- It now appears that being a bit emo and gothy is quite cool, which is terrible oversight that never should have been allowed, but I digress, what I’m trying to tell you is that I saw an advert recently that stated traffic was the single biggest killer of 12 - 16 year olds in Britain, but as half term has proved, there are still loads of them. Clearly, we need a more effective method. Rather than write them off completely though, I decided to help them by thinking up the following ways to improve their impact on society:
1. Fit all lonsdale or reebok trainers with computer chips that make them jog at least six miles a day.
2. Get all teenagers to select their favourite cast member from skins, all of those who pick Tony will be shot, survival of the fittest and what not.
3. Ban them from watching Hollyoaks - it's completely unrealistic and raises their expectations of the type of bird they are likely to pull to inordinate levels; also, it's meant to be a drama about teenagers yet at no point are any of them at home wanking over Hollyoaks, which is terribly unrealistic.
4. Ban text speech. Text messaging has had the most adverse effect on the way trendy types speak since snoop doggy dog.
5. Make all streets and towns completely spherical; if we no longer have street corners there will be no where for them to form gangs and harass pensioners for their pensions.
I'll start at the beginning.....
.......Because it's silly to start elsewhere, unless your Quentin Tarrintino, then it's o.k, in a nebbish, post-cool kind of way. I was watching t.v the other day (yes kids it does still exist - you should try watching it sometime, it provides regularly scheduled programming that's beamed, legally, into your living room, not streamed off some dogy Irannian website with all manner of bizarre subtitles and links, all stuffed onto screen so small you need glasses the size of Joe 90's just to make out exactly whose nipple david walliams is licking) and discovered that the planet is fucked, unless we do something about the O-zone layer, or something. So in an effort to ease congestion and reduce traffic, I am riding the information superhighway on a bandwagon- and starting a web blog! In my blog I'll be doing the same thing that every other webblog in the known universe does, namely, boring your tits off with pointless diatribes about my life, all the while contributing to the ongoing decimation of written english, and making the odd witty comment that I think is so clever it drove me to starting a web blog in the first place, So if you're still reading this - enjoy.
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